Yes, ratings for Dancing With the Stars dipped last fall. But the footloose follies isn't going down without a fight. ABC just announced the most intriguing lineup ever for the next round, which begins this month.
Before a single step has been taken, before a single shin has been splint, I handicap the field. Reckless projection: That's how I roll. Here are the odds:
Buzz Aldrin. The spaceman is a genuine American hero. But a small dance step for any other man is a giant step when you're 80 years old. 200-1.
Niecy Nash. I doubt she's even the best dancer on Reno 911! (That honor probably belongs to Lt. Dangle.) Nash is here strictly for comic relief. And not for long. 100-1.
Jake Pavelka. Spry on his feet, but every time The Bachelor star gets halfway through a fox-trot, he changes his mind and decides he prefers the paso doble. 75-1.
Pam Anderson. She may look like a Nordic fertility statue, but DWTS judges Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli are curiously immune to female pulchritude. Which means she'll be graded on (gulp) merit. 60-1.
Shannen Doherty. The TV terror looks lithe enough, but it's only a matter of time before she starts a nasty hairpulling incident with one of the other female contestants back in the Red Room. 50-1.
Kate Gosselin. Mommy dearest has built a rehearsal studio in her Pennsylvania basement so she can keep an eye on the kids. Every time she ventures out with DWTS partner Tony Dovolani now, he's passing notes that read: "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a baby factory." 33-1.
Aiden Turner. On paper, the All My Children hunk looks golden, but he will inevitably fall victim to Kelly's Curse. Soap actors haven't fared well on the show since Kelly Monaco's disputed win in Season 1. 25-1.
Erin Andrews. The ESPN sideline reporter, target of a Peeping Tom scandal, should contend. The only Tom she has to worry about on this show is Bergeron. 12-1.
Nicole Scherzinger. Hey, if a Spice Girl (Mel B) can do well in this competition, a Pussycat Doll should have no problem. 8-1.
Evan Lysacek The Vancouver skating champ is quite a get for DWTS. No truth to the rumor he is being partnered with Johnny Weir. 5-1.
Chad Ochocinco. If the NFL hot dog (born Chad Johnson) can get his scores to match his adopted name, he'll be dancing in the end zone. 3-1.
You don't say. This was the week on American Idol when we got to know the contestants better. That meant a taped segment before each sang in which they shared with us "one thing that a lot of people probably don't know about me." Shouldn't be too hard to come up with an example, since we know absolutely nothing about you except what we can see. Anything beyond "I have two ears" will qualify.
And another thing: If any of the judges says, "That song didn't tell us what kind of artist you are" one more time, I am going to scream. These contestants are young enough to remember their high school locker combinations. Until last month, the only performance experience they had was singing along to the radio in their cars.
Artists? Not unless finger-painting counts.
The copier is broken! How do you go from being one of the most suspenseful shows on TV to one of its most tedious? Ask 24.
The dauntless Jack Bauer is reduced to barking, "Have those files downloaded yet?" He sounds more like a stressed-out middle manager than a lethal lone wolf.
One more thing . . . On a related subject, I was shocked when CBS announced that it had cast Aussie actor Alex O'Loughlin in the lead of its remake of Hawaii Five-O.
I was under the assumption that Anil (Slumdog Millionaire) Kapoor's performance as President Hassan this season on 24 was an extended audition to play the Jack Lord role. His hair is perfect. Mousse him, Dano.
Speaking of tonsorial styles on 24, is Akbar Kurtha as Hassan's traitorous brother angling to be the next whiteboard artist on those UPS commercials?
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Contact staff writer David Hiltbrand at 215-854-4552 or dhiltbrand@phillynews.com. Read his recent work at http://go.philly.com/ daveondemand.
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